Lately my thoughts have become borderline obsessive with thoughts on the actual power of the brain, and what percentage we actually use. I have a renewed fascination with the intricate architectural blue print of the organ that sits inside our head, and what exactly it is capable of. I wonder about what God could have possibly be thinking of, when He made us….Yes I do think about that! I look at myself in the mirror and see the thin skin on my face trying to count each tiny freckle, the bluish veins, and the hairs on my eyebrows. No, Im not crazy– I think! Im just curious! I think of “The Self” and how much power God gave us. I think about how to truly be Happy! These and lots more questions, have bombarded my very being. I spend lots of time by myself. I do many things! I eat, clean, cook, I write, I read books, I read my bible, I pray etc. I also have crazy inner dialogues about current events, books, songs, quotes, etc. I talk to people – family, friends, others…. For some reason, I am always, always pondering one hundred and million ways of how things are, were, and will someday be. I know! It is exhausting! It is also exhilarating and very conducive to productive researching. I am in pursuit of answers and posing more….always asking more & more questions!
I think I am going through an “Existential Crisis.” I laugh at this because, I never though, I would be using terminology learnt in philosophy class, during my freshman year of college. I am stuck in this parallel universe between who I’m supposed to be, and exactly who I am. By no means, Am I dissatisfied with my life …. I am very grateful. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am truly surrounded by love! Yes, I am in a very active fight with Cancer, but I’m winning that one, and so, I’m not particularly grappling with my mortality. I am not clinically depressed, and I haven’t shattered my sense of reality as it pertains to the world I live in. I do, however, QUESTION absolutely everything! Why? Why Not?
I don’t want to confuse you! I don’t think I want to confuse you! I know, I don’t want to confuse you! These rants perhaps have nothing to do with your reality; who you are and how you see yourself. I am simply sharing my very own perception or lack thereof of “self” more particularly ‘MYSELF” You may ask, why am I doing this? I cannot give you the “right” answer, because I don’t know the right answer. Besides, whose right answer? What I perceive to be one thing, may not be the same thing you perceive to be as truth. See my point? This is the reason why I am writing this down. Perhaps, it will make sense on paper? Perhaps not! Who knows? And guess what? I truly don’t care. I am doing something very courageous on my part, it is something I NEVER do! I don’t EVER invite strangers into my head! That my darling is a recipe for disaster!
Here is a cranial view of one internal self dialogue on a typical portion of my daily self….
How Am I feeling today? I am HAPPY! Because I want to be happy! I have established that I, want to know that I am Happy!!! Am I sure? Yes! I am! I am strong! I am well! I am courageous! I will be alright! I won’t let anything get to me…and then this happens: The nurse comes in with needles of different sizes to collect more blood. One of my arms isn’t cooperating, so after several attempts, the nurse moves on to arm #2. There is a vein that salutes and right before it moves (my tiny veins shift suddenly) the nurse excitedly jams a needle into my arm so hard it brings tears to my eyes. I smile and she looks at me and automatically smiles & apologizes. I turn a little bit green and a bead of sweat creeps on my forehead. I am holding onto my tears and the non-existent vomit (I hadn’t eaten yet) I have a smile plastered on my face. In my mind, I think I must look so creepy…eyes filled with tears, and trying to keep a frozen smile. I refuse to cry….Why? Because I am ok. It could always be worst. The nurse would look at me and say: Oh my, I’m sorry….Are you alright? I think I have enough blood now. You are so brave and I love your smile! I am fine, I say not looking at her, but fixating on the band aids on my arm. Thank you! The nurse leaves, and I want to take the time now, to give into my pain, look at my bruises and cry. Just before the tears hit my lap, the nurse walks in with a bottle of water and a snack. The gesture warms my heart because, I saw her collect blood from several people, and not once did she apologize for doing her job, nor did she give anyone else food and water. Her gesture towards me, touched my heart and I forget about the bruises on my arms. She says thank you for being so understanding and not raise your voice or curse at me. I was nervous and about to get my manager. I’m glad I was able to find your vein and not poke your arm anymore. I hope you get better soon! I feel thankful! I am happy! I think…..I am! I get to go home in 15-30 minutes! As, I sit in the taxi cab on my way home, I think about my resolve. I think…..Ada are you are such a badass! Ha! Yes I am! Am I happy? Yes, I am! Is it because I wanted to be happy, or is it because I decided to be …pain or no pain??? Hmmmm, I fill my brain, with memory bible verses, that support my resolve and set my heart at peace!
I love being able to hold on to my faith to face the day! By guarding my heart from bad thoughts and negative feelings, I successfully bring my mind to its resolve. I think it, into my will, not only to survive, but to decide to be happy regardless of the situation. Now, don’t think that the strong Ada resolve is always on! Oh noo! I, also have my will and my strength questioned. I sometimes give into pity parties and sulking. I am not that strong! I, too, question myself &/or the motives behind my feelings. How, will I make myself feel that particular day? Days, such as those when my body won’t listen to me. Days when my mind and body won’t agree. “We” Me, Myself & I, then have complete and utter shutdown….Just because I can’t even think straight. I would then begin to second guess myself. I become the skeptic gal who is constantly questioning not the world, or her will, but her body, her self-control, herself–myself. How much power can my thoughts processes possess, in order to submit my body to my own will? God gave us free will….right? With that allowance, we were given the capacity and the strength of character to make our own decisions. Decisions of which being happy is within our grasp right? We have the power….Dont we? If, not, who does?
Once upon a time a famous French philosopher known as René Descartes, said:
“I think therefore I am”…..
Keyword here is: “I THINK” Many of Descartes critics, tend to state that his discourses were mere attempts to defy skepticism, which intellectuals of the day were all doing…the “It” topic. Some say that Descartes’ ideas of the connection between the mind and the body, were also mere speculations. I however, am no philosophy expert, but I agree wholeheartedly with Descartes’ direct implication that the body and mind share the deepest most powerful connection…We know our thoughts can lead us to or keep us from—anything & everything! Which is why, he so brilliantly proceeded to state that all he knew was false!
This small fact of “Knowing” and thus believing it to be, is a great feat when it comes to doubt and fear. Knowledge of the truth, can and will set us free….right? My question then follows….What truth? Whose truth? There are things that go beyond the realm of proven facts. Some things are it, some, I suspect are a lot more than we know them to simply be!
I, as a human being have the capacity and the resolve to achieve absolutely anything I set my mind to do! Albeit the obstacles that life will undoubtedly throw my way…which are many! I can, and must overcome the obstacles. We can and Must — Why? Because, there is absolutely NOTHING we can materialistically accrue, that would be satisfying enough, to become that real & lasting happiness we seek. The minute we fail to acknowledge the God-given power of self-control we have, we will never be happy; We will never know the true power of our being. The moment we learn to love ourselves and others, with the same instinctive caring nature as we do ourselves, we will, then see a decrease in abuse of power. All the fame and attention seeking behavior, we see, will no longer plague us. We will see the prejudice and abuse of others, feigned as weak, ultimately disappear.
However, failing to exercise the power of self-control will bring forth more abuse of substances, people, and situations currently corrupting society. The addiction and quick fix drugs, violence, alcohol and even sex produce, are sought after as relief, and often times just a gateway to temporary happiness. If we, don’t think ourselves into productive, responsible and accountable beings, we will never reach the Happiness that lasts, because it comes from within ourselves. The happiness we so actively pursue will never be ours… Why? Because….
“Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. Happiness solely relies on what YOU THINK.“
This was a very long rant my dears–I apologize!
See you next week!
Love. Peace, & Chicken Greace to Ü all ❤