I want to be….but I’m not!

 
I have heard this over & over again. “You are so strong Ada! You are the strongest person I know” but I’m not. I want to be, but I’m not! I try with all my might, but I’m broken inside. I am in pain…. I can’t forget–I won’t forget. I hate cancer! 

Yesterday, was the last day I will ever see my friend Nidia’s face again…and it was at her funeral service. She died after being told she was in remission from leukemia. She recurred and in a few days in ICU she is gone. She left two wonderful kids. They will miss their mom during graduations, weddings, during life. She will never cradle her grand babies or meet Derek Jeter. All she ever  wanted was to be happy & to be loved. She went through so much & now she rests. I pray she found her peace & is lovingly happy in the arms of God. I hurt inside for her, for her family. She was my friend. She was so caring & supportive of me while I was in the eye of my own cancer battle. Her ashes will remain part of our talks of our old age & death. This hurts so much … I can’t believe she is gone! 

People tell me I’m strong because I’ve been through so much pain, and somehow, I can comfort them; I can smile & remain positive; but I’m not strong-I am not. I’m sad and broken, but I have to trust God & I wholeheartedly believe & have faith that he will restore me. I truly believe I haven’t completely lost it, because I am put together- glued by God’s love & Grace. I think daily of my sister, my niece, my sister in law, my dad, my aunts & uncles, my cousins & my friends all of whom have taken the flight to eternal life. I will never forget them! Each one have taken a piece of my heart! 

I am not strong, I am broken but I know God has got me…… I may not feel this, but I must believe. After all the bible tells me….

“….let the weak say I am strong.           Joel 3:10”